Dealing with Disappointment

A couple of weeks ago I received an email notifying me that my candidacy for the Foreign Service had ended. The letter stated that I should be proud of my accomplishments, that passing the written foreign service exam is a great achievement, but that I did not pass the Qualifications Evaluation Panel in order to continue on to the next step: the Oral Exam.

I picked the most difficult cone, political, in applying because that is where my interests lie. During my internship in Moscow, I worked in the political external section of the embassy. I worked hard and learned how to be concise. Speaking in meetings and expressing an opinion during discussions had been the hardest thing for me to do during the internship. But by the end of it, I was talking, I was leading my own interviews with experts from the field, and I was actively participating in all aspects of work in the political section.

I was so proud of my time in Moscow. Not every small town Texas girl gets to say she spent time working in one of America's largest embassies, studying and reporting on trends on one of America's most strategic partnerships. After that experience, I just knew I had to throw my hat in the ring. I had to apply. I had to at least try.

I've been studying Russian off and on for about 8 years. I've reached an Advanced High fluency in the language according to ACTFL. I went to grad school after undergrad to further explore my interests in public policy, foreign policy, international development, global security, and of course, Russian studies. I've held numerous internships and fellowships during this time. I've done those things. And I am almost finished. Even though graduation still seems so far away, I do know and recognize that I am almost finished. Just a few more classes and a pesky thesis, and I'll be on my way to new, better, and brighter things. I've laid the groundwork for my success in life, even if it may be hard to see it right this moment.

I talked to the Diplomat-In-Residence at the LBJ School about my news. I'm taking a course-US Diplomacy-and I got the news the day before the second meeting of this class. He told me that over 27,000 applicants took the test this past year for 800 positions. He also told me to consider applying for a different cone and that many people do not pass the exam the first time, and that I should be proud of how far I made it in the process. Next year DoS will hire 1000 new FSO's. And I plan to apply, even though I will need to wait almost a full year from the time that I took the exam-October, 2009.

I've taken this failure pretty badly. It's been really hard to step outside of myself and see this for what it is: a learning process. Instead, I have tended to internalize it. Even now labeling it a failure shows the depths of how I feel about myself and how I feel about my results. Financial woes are really beginning to frighten me as my life as a student, with the comfy cushion of student loans, will be ending soon. But I have the support (financial and otherwise) of my family, friends, colleagues, co-workers, and one pretty swell guy. I'm going to get through it. One day at a time. And hopefully I will learn something about myself in the process.

I'll leave you guys with a couple of quotations to mull over, and if you have any words of wisdom, I'm open for anything right now.

Lord Alfred Tennyson (one of my favorite poets)

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Robert F. Kennedy

Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.

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